Friday night we were having dinner as a family and we’re talking about this and that and our middle daughter mentioned something about the oldest daughter that got the oldest daughter really angry. Let’s just say there were some bad names being shouted and in the end, oldest daughter’s cell phone was taken away. (FYI… a great reason to get your child a cell phone is that it can be taken away during times of punishment. I highly recommend it.)
Meanwhile, during all the screaming back and forth the oldest daughter happened to shout out that she had secrets that we don’t know about.
Hmmmmm…..
Secrets? What kind of secrets?
Now I’m definitely not the kind of Mom who hovers and searches and tears the kids’ rooms apart. I always thought I had a pretty darn good rapport with my kids. I thought they told me everything. Now I started wondering if they indeed had secrets that they were keeping from me.
And while I was thinking that they were keeping things from me, my mind started wandering to that place where I started to think… what kinds of secrets would a tween have anyway? I mean, really… it’s not like they are driving or dating or going anywhere alone. Are they hiding things from me? Are they bad things? I should really find out what’s going on, right?
But then again…
Secrets are part of growing up. I think we all had secrets when we were young that we would have been devastated if our parents found out. You know, things like how we used to kiss that Shawn Cassidy poster every morning before leaving for school. (Oh come on… I know it wasn’t just me.) Or how we would hide some of our Halloween candy in the back of our closet for later in the year when we were really desperate for candy. (My kids still do this by the way.)
Secrets don’t necessarily have to be bad, right? I shouldn’t be too worried that they are keeping things from me, right? I mean, I can’t really expect my daughters to tell me everything can I?
I have good kids. I don’t want to be that parent who gets in their face about everything. I want to be able to trust my kids. I want them to be able to trust me. Because once you lose that trust… you don’t get it back. So what to do, what to do? I need to find out what kinds of secrets they are keeping. Because I can deal with the little secrets. It’s the big secrets that are scary.
So I’m going to ask. I know, sounds too simple. But really… I can stress out about what they are keeping from me and panic myself into thinking all kinds of horrible things. Or… I can just ask. Because if you don’t ask, you’ll never give your child the opportunity to tell you.
Excellent post. I agree with you, some secrets are a rite of passage. I also understand your desire to know. It is a fine line we walk as parents.
Great post! I think I would ask my daughter if the secrets she’s keeping are harmful to anyone. Will anyone be hurt by keeping the secret? Keeping the lines of communication open are important. Good luck. I agree with Stefanie, it’s a fine line we walk.
We talked about the different kinds of secrets, the ones that are okay to keep to yourself and the ones that are harmful and should be shared.
Firstly? So true about that cell phone. Love taking that away…
As for secrets…I think you hit the nail on the head…if you don’t ask they can’t share. I think it’s the way you handle what the secret is that will be key….
I think the biggest complaint that parents of teens have is that their kids don’t talk to them. Communication is a 2-way street. If your kids don’t know they CAN talk to you, they probably won’t.
Yes…ask away - remind me of this when the secrets are looming in my house..
I always wished my mother had just sat and talked to me more when I was a kid. I don’t want my kids to ever feel like they can’t come to me.