The First Big Decision: Helping Your Teen Through the Process

 

I’ve heard this so many times from my kids…

Being a kid is hard. Being an adult is easier.

Oh right! Sure. Any day of the week. NOT!

Look, there are definitely times when being a kid is easier… and there really are times when being an adult is easier. Kids don’t have to pay bills and fix the sprinkler system. Adults don’t have to calculate square roots or study their State capitals. But every once in a while a situation will come along where neither of us has it very easy… when the decision could (literally) effect your entire future… and that decision is one that has to be made by the child… a decision that, as an adult, we have a hard time helping them through.

So my 13 year old has to make this really difficult decision. I don’t want to spell it out because the last thing she needs is people coming at her from both sides making this harder on her than it already is. Needless to say, this has to do with a school decision and how she is going to handle some things during her high school years. She has two paths she can go down… and she needs to decide (pretty soon) which one she is going to follow. To be honest, both paths are good… there is no bad one. But one will take her on a path that could drastically change her future… and would come with sacrifices. As adults, we make sacrifices all the time… as a 13 year old girl, those sacrifices are going to be extra hard to make.

So she has turned to us.

We told her we could decide for her but we won’t. We want this to be her decision. The part of adulting that really sucks sometimes.

We gave her some tips to help her sort it out… and I thought I’d share in case someone else was trying to help their teen through a difficult choice.

1. Write a pros and cons list. No matter what situation you are in, a pros and cons list is a great start. There will most likely be pros and cons to both sides and while this probably won’t be a winner take all decision… writing things down helps your brain sort through it all. It’s the best start for any big choice you have to make.
2. Write out a plan. Seriously… it doesn’t matter how old you are. Think about where you want to be in 5, 10, 15 years. Be as detailed as possible. This isn’t where you think you’ll be… this is where you want to be.
3. What are you good at? I mean… really, really good at? Make a list of the things you do super well. Are you athletic? Are you good at math?
4. Next, make a list of what you love to do. These might be some of the same things you are good at, but not necessarily. You might love to swim in the ocean, but you might not be such a great swimmer. Doesn’t matter. What do you love doing?
5. What do you absolutely hate doing? Me? I hate doing dishes and ironing clothes. HATE IT! You will never find me working in a kitchen or a dry cleaners. I promise. If you hate history or science or hiking or flying on planes… write those down too.

By now you’ll have a whole bunch of lists. Look them over… see any patterns? Does anything stand out as being particularly interesting? Are you at least leaning in one direction?

The answer probably isn’t going to come to you overnight. The point in this is to start narrowing down your choice. Any “adult” decision comes with a background of experience. A tough decision at 13 isn’t going to have a whole lot of previous experience to back it up with. You have to use what you have… and what you know… to find that gut decision deep within you.

So while we are still waiting on our daughter to make that big decision, we’ll keep supporting her and talking it through with her as much as we can. I don’t envy her. This is the part of adulting that is just too hard… for any of us.