Don’t Blink - And Other Things I Wish I Had Known

 

I wish someone had told me, as I sat and watched my kindergartner walk down the aisle at her commencement, not to blink. Not for a moment. Because once you blink, all you remember is a flash. The years between 1st grade and senior year become a blur. And then you hyperventilate.

My oldest daughter just graduated from high school. I feel proud, excited, and nauseous all at once. I told myself for years that I wanted her to go live her life, experience all the wonders of the world. I wasn’t wrong… but I’m having a really hard time letting go.

She’s 18 but when I look in her eyes they are the same eyes she had when she was 5 and danced around the house. I look at the woman standing before me but all I see is the little blond-haired child she once was. What I wouldn’t give for a moment in the past.

I’d like to say she grew up fabulous in spite of me, but I also like to think maybe I had some small hand in the accomplished person she’s become. There is a reason parents gush over their kids… because we are just so darn proud of them.

I wish I had known that by doing my job as a parent meant that my child would be completely self-sufficient. She technically doesn’t need me anymore… for emotional support, yes, but she doesn’t need me. She can pump her own gas and make her own meals and do her own laundry and handle her own bank account. She can fill out paperwork and apply for a job and read a map. She knows how to call AAA or 911 in case of an emergency. I’ve done my job too well.

That’s what you get for being a parent.

No one tells you that it feels like you’ve had your heart ripped out of you. No one tells you that you’ll feel like you are losing your best friend. No one tells you that the amount of love you have for your child can grow even more than you thought possible.

I wish I knew that the first few bars of “Pomp and Circumstance” would release a flood of tears.

I wish I knew that as I lay in bed at night, my arms would ache for that baby she once was.

I wish I knew that the day after diplomas are handed out, I’d wake to feel like I was hit by a truck.

And now the preparation for college sets in and it’s all at once an ending and a beginning and almost too much emotion to handle.

In 3 months she’ll be starting a new part of her life far away from home. But I’ve still got 3 months to hug her tight and relish in the wondrous person she is right now.