I watched Dr. Phil last night. Usually hate Dr. Phil. I hate shows that tell you what you are doing wrong. So I’m watching anyway and they are talking about helicopter moms v. permissive moms. Wow… that’s a loaded topic.
One mother allowed her 9 year old son to take the subway alone in New York City.
Another mother never let her 15 year old daughter out of her sight.
Each mother thought the other one was crazy. I thought BOTH of them were crazy.
Me? I’m a middle-of-the-road parent. No way in hell would I ever let my 9 year old daughter (or 10, 11, 12, 13, 14) take a subway alone in New York. But on the other hand, I would never spy on my daughter, go through her personal things, call her on the phone 10 times a day, and never let her sleep away from home.
I don’t necessarily think the world today is different than when I was growing up, but I do think that we are more aware of the dangers out there. So I started thinking a little more about what Dr. Phil said… that as parents we are responsible for teaching our kids how to get along in the world without us. How do we go about doing that?
When I was about 9 or 10, I remember my parents allowing me to walk along a dangerous road down to a corner store to buy sodas and candy. I was a kid. I walked along a dangerous road. Alone. Near a freeway. When I think about the awful things that could have happened to me, I shudder and wonder how the hell my parents could have let me do that. Then I think about the kind of person I am today. I moved across the country by myself. I had little money but managed to find a job, apartment, friends. I’ve been on my own pretty much since I was 17 when I started college. I’ve never been afraid of being alone. Never once. Wow… I guess they did something right. (But I won’t admit it so please don’t tell them I said that.)
I definitely think I am more overprotective than my parents. On the other hand, I am way more permissive than many of the parents I know. I know parents who won’t let their kids cross their own street alone. I know parents who make their kids call them before they go to sleep while at a friend’s house. I know parents who won’t let their kids even sleep over at a friend’s house at 10 years old (and they KNOW the parents really well). I’m not that parent.
I also know parents who have never let go - who treat their 30-something, 40-something, 50-something kids like KIDS! As a parent, we will always worry about our children, but at some point they need to live their own life, take care of themselves, not rely on mommy and daddy for everything. How is that being a good parent?
But for now, I am the kind of parent who won’t let her kid take a subway alone. Want to call me overprotective? I’m okay with that.
My mom was and still is uber overprotective. I wasn't allowed to spend the night, wasn't allowed to date, wear makeup. She went through my things and took anything she found out of context. When went to college I became wild! Did things just because I finally could. The thing is as a young child I too was allowed to play outside in the street (born in NY and lived their until I was 9) and walk to school ALONE and walk to the corner store and buy soda and candy, again alone. It seemed the moment we moved to FL, things changed and lockdown became the way to parent.
Now with my own son…I am overprotective and I try and catch myself and step back. I want him to be confident and smart and I don't want him to be 30 and still looking to mommy and daddy for help. I have a sibling that is treated like a child because she acts like one and enjoys the benefits of mommy and daddy doing for her. She's 30.
Okay, that crazy helicopter parent that you describe?
That's exactly who I am petrified I'll be.
Each and every day, I make a conscious effort to remind myself to *not* be that parent.
Sigh.
I am a middle of the road parent. I definitely try to not be overprotective and yet I set boundaries for my kids. I also think it depends on the child. My oldest is in college. I never went through her things and I let her sleep at friends when she was 10 years old. She has never done anything that has made me question her or not trust her. She now lives at the dorms and many times she wants her dad and I to help her. My other 2 kids are the same way and my husband and I have raised them the same way.
I think that parenting is something that is difficult and should not be judged. Everyone I talk to does it different. If you were to ask my sister she would say that I am way to overprotective, but that is how it is. Everyone parents differently and others judge us when we make the littlelest mistakes or let our children make their own mistakes.
So no matter what you do someone will always believe you did it wrong and of course they could do it soooooo much better.
Newest follower- we all make our own way as parents. I do the best I can and move on. All the best!
Clay
http://www.tantrumstroublesandtreasures.blogspot.com