20 Things I’ve Learned in 20 Years of Marriage

I know you expected to come read some wise words of marriage wisdom. The truth is, I don’t really have any. Today marks our 20th anniversary. 20 years is a long time to spend with someone. We joke all the time that they said it wouldn’t last. Who they is isn’t clearly defined… but maybe we didn’t think it would last.

Still, we managed to make it through 3 pregnancies and are kind of rocking this 3 teenage daughter thing. And while we aren’t where we thought we’d be after 20 years, we really have nothing to complain about.

So here is what I’ve personally learned after 20 years of being married.

1. Date night might not happen often but when you get the chance, sneak away for a cup of coffee or a slice of pie. Even an hour together away from the house and kids is enough to remind you that you still kind of like each other.
2. Do one thing (at least) that the other person likes, even though you may hate it. I hate ironing clothes… but I iron his shirts for work. He hates rubbing my feet but he knows how much it relaxes me.
3. Let it go. You’ll both have baggage that seems silly to the other person. Go with it anyway and have faith they know how to deal with it themselves. Don’t get in the middle of it.
4. Go to bed angry or go to bed having made up… but for God’s sake… go to bed. Things will look different in the morning after you’ve had some sleep.
5. A marriage is a partnership where each person should be doing what they do best. Don’t make him cook dinner if he doesn’t like cooking… and don’t make her take the car to the body shop if she hates doing that. It’s okay that everything isn’t fair.
6. Talk. I mean, really talk about things. If you can’t tell your spouse how you are really feeling then you have a pretty big problem.
7. You don’t have to agree on how to parent, but you have to stick by a spouse’s parenting decision.
8. If you have children, let them see you argue… and make up. Let them learn from you about how to be a kind and caring couple. Let them see what a good marriage is all about.
9. The trick to staying together is pretty simple: you have to both want to. It’s about honoring your commitment and weathering the rough patches.
10. Be goofy. Dance in the kitchen and sing in the car. If you can’t be yourself with your spouse, you’re in trouble.
11. Sometimes you just need to listen. Don’t talk. Don’t Comment. Don’t try and fix things. Just listen.
12. Say “I love you” often. If you don’t remember the last time you said it… say it now.
13. Check in with each other during the day. A simple “How are things?” text is fine.
14. Surprise each other every now and then. Watch a football game with him or buy her favorite coffee. It truly is the little things that mean the most.
15. Have at least one big goal together - to travel, to buy a house, etc.
16. Remember your marriage is unlike anyone else’s. Don’t compare.
17. Stand up for each other… always.
18. Respect personal space. It’s okay to want to spend some time alone.
19. Have your own little routines and rituals - something special to just the two of you.
20. Don’t let an anniversary pass without a card and a kiss. The greatest gift is remembering that you made it through another year… together.